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happy new year!
Jan. 13th, 2022 12:53 pmi remember saying that i didn't wanna go home for christmas but here i am, still at home (for a month now) and while going exactly as i expected, it wasn't that bad???
anyway i'd like to start off the year on a better footing than last year, and i guess some resolutions should be made?
at the end of the year i'm gonna look back and see how much i managed to accomplish. i'd consider getting 5 done a success ^^
i really hope 2022 is better year for everyone
anyway i'd like to start off the year on a better footing than last year, and i guess some resolutions should be made?
- i need to work on my studying and procrastination!! if i want to successfully get through first year *insert_skull_emoji*
- read at least 5 books this year. i don't think i completed even one published fic last year and it's so unlike me???
- complete at least 2 wips. i mean come on.
- make a dw entry every week. i think this page has become a random journal of thingamabobs and i believe this is what my physical journal would look like if it existed: an unaesthetic mess of random bits about me. but it's a healthy habit, and i enjoy it.
- keep my mental health in check. i'm gonna try to see the bright side of every situation, and amke the most of what life throws at me this year!
- i really wanna add "improve my communication" but it's so hard and i'm honestly feeling a bit unmotivated to make a start on this resolution.
- 20 sit ups every day. honestly i just want a flat stomach.
- make progress in learning korean. i want to learn a new language and that's the one i've progressed the furthest in so far, and it'll be easier since most of the content i consume is in the language.
- pass my driving theory test in the summer.
- learn how to use makeup TT
at the end of the year i'm gonna look back and see how much i managed to accomplish. i'd consider getting 5 done a success ^^
i really hope 2022 is better year for everyone
i literally just finished my exam
Nov. 30th, 2021 11:50 ami'm writing now, just a minute after completing my exam! lololol i don't think i did well at all but i am relieved it's over. i'm gonna order some takeout and either continue working on my nomin wip or playing a bit of genshin (just weekly battlepass stuff, there's nothing else to do in the game lmao)
also! jaemin is participating in 5 songs!! i hope he has lines but overall i'm so pleased considering last time when he only took part in three songs across two albums, and one was a dream song.
anyway yeah!
also! jaemin is participating in 5 songs!! i hope he has lines but overall i'm so pleased considering last time when he only took part in three songs across two albums, and one was a dream song.
anyway yeah!
i hate this feeling.
Nov. 28th, 2021 10:21 pmnow that i've ordered a ton of stuff, i just keep refreshing my emails every hour to check for an update, i'm always checking the house groupchat to see if anyone's seen a parcel addressed to me. my ear is sensitive to the hall telephone to see if any deliveryman is trying to drop off my parcel in the lobby. why am i like this? i hate this feeling.
P.S. i'm this close to saying fvck it and buying the odysseus version of dimension:dilemma too, but i need to buy birthday presents for my friends fml
P.S. i'm this close to saying fvck it and buying the odysseus version of dimension:dilemma too, but i need to buy birthday presents for my friends fml
this is why i hate black friday
Nov. 28th, 2021 03:52 pmi spent quite a lot on online shopping on friday, mainly lots of clothes as well as a dimension:dilemma album. i really debated which version to get but i ended up going with scylla. when i get the chance, i will buy the odysseus version because i love the vibes in the photos (even a photo of my enha triangulation of sungwonki!) but then i'm also attracted to charybdis because of the nct dream hello future vibes. speaking of dream, i was too late and the hf kit version was sold out T___T and i couldn't find any black friday deals on the aespa album so i guess that actually saved my money?
on top of that, i visited a restaurant with my friend which was more money spent. however, the fond memories warming up the chilly snowless winter more than makes up for it. now i gotta pray the clothes i bought don't fit so i can return them. (why is it so hard to find jeans for a tall girl???)
on top of that, i visited a restaurant with my friend which was more money spent. however, the fond memories warming up the chilly snowless winter more than makes up for it. now i gotta pray the clothes i bought don't fit so i can return them. (why is it so hard to find jeans for a tall girl???)
kyvp'iv jrpzex dp rlek dzxyk yrmv tretvi
Nov. 25th, 2021 06:27 pmthere's a sort of tense calm as everyone is pretending everything's okay. i'm scared to go home for christmas. i don't want to go home.
and no matter how i feel i refuse to see it as a cdzsg rdmsdmbd. rgd vhkk otrg sgqntfg.
and no matter how i feel i refuse to see it as a cdzsg rdmsdmbd. rgd vhkk otrg sgqntfg.
a good? day
Nov. 23rd, 2021 07:23 pmthe presentation went really well and at the end we gave our tutor a card, flowers and chocolate and i really wanted to cry
also me and a friend collectively gave up on this module and welp our test is coming up next week but we're not stressed. it's an introductory module and too much happened that obstructed my learning (idk like maybe spending over a month recovering?) so yeah. one test ruined. but we've created a study group and we're getting ready for the next module ahead of time because there's no way i'm letting the colossal wreck that was fundamentals of med happen again.
the test doesn't count towards our final grade which is comforting, and the first actual assessment was the presentation which went really well (i'm sure we're getting an A)
i say all this but i still feel sort of
sad?
idk.
also me and a friend collectively gave up on this module and welp our test is coming up next week but we're not stressed. it's an introductory module and too much happened that obstructed my learning (idk like maybe spending over a month recovering?) so yeah. one test ruined. but we've created a study group and we're getting ready for the next module ahead of time because there's no way i'm letting the colossal wreck that was fundamentals of med happen again.
the test doesn't count towards our final grade which is comforting, and the first actual assessment was the presentation which went really well (i'm sure we're getting an A)
i say all this but i still feel sort of
sad?
idk.
i think that people are really important. like i feel like a loser in nearly all aspects of life at the moment but the one thing keeping me going is the people around me. my tutor group is filled with amazing people that i was worried i wouldn't connect with after being absent from school for over a month. today we were rehearsing for a presentation we've got tomorrow and even though we finished after a little over half an hour, we stayed behind just to chat amongst ourselves and it was just so wholesome. some people got nervous and forgot their lines but everyone was so friendly and supportive, and now i've even got plans with to visit japan with someone. and the nurse that sees me twice a week (ever since my operation in october) told me today that she sees me as a daughter and that it's sad that my next visit might be my last with her since i'm practically healed up now. she has given me so much advice for school and she's my mentor figure who i tell everything to. i'm gonna miss nurse P so much but she did tell me that i can always drop by and say hi. then there's my nctzen groupchat! i took the initiative and invited myself to the korean culture society (i was a bit apprehensive at first as i was worried i'd be viewed as a koreaboo and wasn't sure what the society was all about. turns out it's just to teach people more about korean culture and have fun learning k-choreo, playing games and having fun bbq and soju nights!) but yeah i joined the gc and asked if anyone was an nctzen (i barely meet any irl, everyone's an army lol) and i found a whole bunch so i made a gc and now there's so many of us. and i realised they also didn't know there were that many nctzens on campus because they didn't ask. anyway a bunch of us are planning to go see 127 when they come to london (which i called btw).
so yeah, life kinda sucks right now but the people and genshin impact don't :)
.
so yeah, life kinda sucks right now but the people and genshin impact don't :)
.
i'm thinking of changing my username here. something so trivial as this shouldn't feel like a monumental decision but that's what it feels like. i guess i can change it depending on how i feel at a moment because my feelings fluctuate like the weather and 'miltokki' is way out of forecast. it was me in february and the me in february is so different from the me right now.
falling behind
Oct. 19th, 2021 10:11 amthe weeks I've been away from uni have caused me to fall behind in my studies and ngl I'm stressed. the sheer amount of content there is to cover is overwhelming and catching up is a struggle because as I go over the stuff from last week, I miss out on the stuff I'm supposed to be covering at present, so it's almost Sisyphean in the way I fall back down the hill again just when I almost get to the top.
I'm gonna stay positive though because it's all I've got going for me at the moment. I'm going back to uni this weekend, and one of my besties is coming to visit (all my besties went to the same uni and it's far away T__T) and we're going to this club on Friday night, they're having a Kpop halloween thingy and I think letting loose and having fun with my kind of music and my bestie and meeting new people who also like Kpop... I'm so excited!!
I WILL catch up, and my friends at uni are all eager to help me with that so I'm really grateful that I have all this support. it is definitely possible if I put my mind to it!
by the next time I talk about my progress, that'll be exactly what I'll be doing: making progress!
I'm gonna stay positive though because it's all I've got going for me at the moment. I'm going back to uni this weekend, and one of my besties is coming to visit (all my besties went to the same uni and it's far away T__T) and we're going to this club on Friday night, they're having a Kpop halloween thingy and I think letting loose and having fun with my kind of music and my bestie and meeting new people who also like Kpop... I'm so excited!!
I WILL catch up, and my friends at uni are all eager to help me with that so I'm really grateful that I have all this support. it is definitely possible if I put my mind to it!
by the next time I talk about my progress, that'll be exactly what I'll be doing: making progress!
status update!!
Oct. 12th, 2021 06:47 pmohhh my goshhh when i said i felt sick, i didn't realise that i was really sick. the past week has been a blur with me in and out of the hospital and gp clinic but i'm happy to say that i'm feeling better!!
I found going under general anaesthesia quite exciting, which is weird... since I was asleep... but it's an experience! even spending the night in the ward with the lovely nurses was an experience - if I ignore the pain and the constant running temperatures I'd say everything went swimmingly.
also I had to go home so I could be taken care of, so that's a bonus too!
the only problem now is catching up on school work...
I found going under general anaesthesia quite exciting, which is weird... since I was asleep... but it's an experience! even spending the night in the ward with the lovely nurses was an experience - if I ignore the pain and the constant running temperatures I'd say everything went swimmingly.
also I had to go home so I could be taken care of, so that's a bonus too!
the only problem now is catching up on school work...
so i've started med school
Sep. 21st, 2021 01:19 pmit's just been 10 days but it feels like it's been a while...
( 3 days away from home and i'm trying to adapt T__T )
( 3 days away from home and i'm trying to adapt T__T )
random tmi #3
Sep. 2nd, 2021 09:55 pmhave you been watching anything recently?
yes!! nct content, girls planet 999, street woman fighter, some random genshin clips and going seventeen!!
i'm sorry i do not follow anything on netflix, neither have i watched a proper film in ages (i think the last was 2012 andthis one documentary that i will not mention because it'll expose too much about my country that left me scarred...
yes!! nct content, girls planet 999, street woman fighter, some random genshin clips and going seventeen!!
i'm sorry i do not follow anything on netflix, neither have i watched a proper film in ages (i think the last was 2012 and
random tmi #2
Sep. 2nd, 2021 09:47 pmi finally got my first dose of the covid vaccine and now my arm feels heavier than the rest of my entire body
i'm relieved though, considering i'll be moving back to the city and actually interacting with others for uni, and the cases have been rising yet again. i've been away from london since may when i moved house, and i'll have to get used to the hustle and bustle again!
i'm relieved though, considering i'll be moving back to the city and actually interacting with others for uni, and the cases have been rising yet again. i've been away from london since may when i moved house, and i'll have to get used to the hustle and bustle again!
a very happy post
Aug. 13th, 2021 09:56 pmwhen i first made this dw, i was in the peak of mental stress because of upcoming exams i thought i'd fail but here i am now with the happiest post i've made here!!
basically, my application was going through pretty smoothly, until i did averagely in my UCAT, and failed my BMAT woefully, and i had to pray that my personal statement, grades and stellar recommendations would pull me through. the 4th quarter of 2020 was one of the worst for me, my recurring migraines were worse and i missed a lot of school, so catching up and preparing for those damn aptitude tests AND mock exams made me start to lag behind in other things such as my lab reports (which are also important for me to pass my practical endorsement) and i just began to break down. we only get to apply to 4 medical schools and i watched each one turn me down (and there was the whole jaemin hate train thing going on at this time so my safe zone on twitter turned horrible and i deactivated) and i honestly just felt so depressed you know?my school's career advisor was so worried about me, and she booked me for a mock interview and told me not to give up just yet since i was yet to hear back from one more uni. i admit i already lost hope in the last uni from the start because it's the best uni in london?? and london is already a LOT more competitive than outside, and i'd been rejected by everyone else because of the one lacking factor of my otherwise "perfect" application, the UCAT. anyway the week before christmas, i got an email inviting me for an interview and i SCREAMED. fast forward to feb 5th 2021 and the interview goes insanely well, and i'm not surprised when the offer comes in march, but i'm SHOCKED when i see that my conditions were to get AAA when everyone else needed A*AA. i was supposed to celebrate and feel happy and relieved and trust me i was elated, but i also became afraid of what it would look like if i failed to get in despite having the easiest offer... and then my family spread to everyone they knew on every socmed platform that i'd gotten into med school when i really only had a conditional offer, and the pressure mounted. at this point, we were only just returning to offline school after months of google meets and i was so worried about maths and chem because i was so behind in my classes and i only understood bio (shoutout to my teacher because he was literally the best! the others were usually not too good and they became even worse online but everyone struggled right?) i gave up on the online lessons for maths and chem, promising to study the content on my own with the youtube teachers and past papers (they saved me). guess what i did during the mathchem online classes? i started writing fic! and it was a great stress-reliever, i'd join the online class and open up a gdoc tab and the ao3 tab, and i felt slightly closer to what resembled happiness. my maths teacher traumatised me and i won't get into that on this open post, and i was in a dark place throughout the easter holiday (and the migraines were incessant!) but hot sauce era was a pick me up. i think i only felt happy when my exams were over (despite the anxiety about results day) and i hung out with my friends and blasted hot sauce and closed all the tabs and cleared my search history which was just stuff to do with studying, and i deleted google meets and zoom and google classroom and the sources of my depression, and then i became more active on twitter and made irreplaceable friends...
now for results day, i couldn't go to collect my results in person because i moved out of london like two weeks after my exams were done, so my results were getting posted to me instead and i was terrified. the week before results day, i went inactive on twitter and i did zero writing and just played genshin impact all day to distract myself from my anxiety. i had these fears that i jumped the gun by paying the deposit for my accommodation and signing a contract before even seeing if i met the requirements and there was just too much to think about. i got up two hours earlier than the opening of the portal to see whether i'd had my offer confirmed or not and at 8:30, the portal crashed and i started shaking. i had my phone in jittery fingers and FINALLY it let me log in, and i flipped out and messed up my login three times, and once i logged in it crashed and i saw an error message telling me to call UCAS and that i can now add my clearing options. at this point i started panicking because i thought i'd failed to get in (you can only move on for clearing if you have no offers, had your offers rejected, or if you decide to turn down your offer). i called my mum and then started to log in again, and omg it worked this time with no error message but a "congratulations!" instead! i was still on the phone with my mum as i started murmuring "i got in oh my gosh i got in i got in i got in" and then i burst into tears, tears that have accumulated over the two years i spent and toiled in sixth form, the tears from the trauma (that i won't be talking about here) and just... relief. i actually had to go and check again that i wasn't dreaming (i was running on lack of sleep so shortly after the joy, i had a migraine and went to bed early after sharing the news on twitter).
i'm so so happy, and i'm grateful to the people and things that kept me afloat throughout the tumultous turbulent two year ride that was med school applications
the summary!
so the 10th was a level results day in the UK, and ever since i finished my last exam on the 21st of May, i've been living with deep-rooted repressed fear and anxiety about what i'd do if i failed, or if i failed to meet the conditions of my offer. BUT BUT i logged into UCAS (the portal we make applications through) and i got my offer confirmed!! i met the requirements, and i'll be off to study medicine next month at the best medical school in london!! and then i got my results and i did better than i thought, getting A*s in bio and chem, and an A in maths, my weakest subject since GCSEs (i only took it up for a levels because it's between that and physics if i want to get accepted by any med school here). basically, i made it!! and i'm so freaking happy (>~<)the details!!
in the UK, we have five years of secondary school, from year 7 to year 11, and at the end of year 11 we write GCSEs (general certificate of secondary education) for usually at least ten subjects. then if we want, we can choose to end our education there, or go to sixth form for a levels (advanced levels) which we prepare for, for two years (year 12 and 13), or we could go to college and get a different degree (usually applied) or we could enter an apprenticeship. to get to uni, the most straightforward way is to write the appropriate a levels that the desired course requires. so for medicine, med schools require bio, chem, then maths/physics, and they require grades ranging from AAA - A*A*A depending on how prestigious, or how much they want you, or if you have any extenuating circumstances. at the end of year 12, med school hopefuls have to sit for an aptitude test depending on which uni (there's two: UCAT and BMAT) and then we send off our applications by october, the first term of year 13.basically, my application was going through pretty smoothly, until i did averagely in my UCAT, and failed my BMAT woefully, and i had to pray that my personal statement, grades and stellar recommendations would pull me through. the 4th quarter of 2020 was one of the worst for me, my recurring migraines were worse and i missed a lot of school, so catching up and preparing for those damn aptitude tests AND mock exams made me start to lag behind in other things such as my lab reports (which are also important for me to pass my practical endorsement) and i just began to break down. we only get to apply to 4 medical schools and i watched each one turn me down (and there was the whole jaemin hate train thing going on at this time so my safe zone on twitter turned horrible and i deactivated) and i honestly just felt so depressed you know?my school's career advisor was so worried about me, and she booked me for a mock interview and told me not to give up just yet since i was yet to hear back from one more uni. i admit i already lost hope in the last uni from the start because it's the best uni in london?? and london is already a LOT more competitive than outside, and i'd been rejected by everyone else because of the one lacking factor of my otherwise "perfect" application, the UCAT. anyway the week before christmas, i got an email inviting me for an interview and i SCREAMED. fast forward to feb 5th 2021 and the interview goes insanely well, and i'm not surprised when the offer comes in march, but i'm SHOCKED when i see that my conditions were to get AAA when everyone else needed A*AA. i was supposed to celebrate and feel happy and relieved and trust me i was elated, but i also became afraid of what it would look like if i failed to get in despite having the easiest offer... and then my family spread to everyone they knew on every socmed platform that i'd gotten into med school when i really only had a conditional offer, and the pressure mounted. at this point, we were only just returning to offline school after months of google meets and i was so worried about maths and chem because i was so behind in my classes and i only understood bio (shoutout to my teacher because he was literally the best! the others were usually not too good and they became even worse online but everyone struggled right?) i gave up on the online lessons for maths and chem, promising to study the content on my own with the youtube teachers and past papers (they saved me). guess what i did during the mathchem online classes? i started writing fic! and it was a great stress-reliever, i'd join the online class and open up a gdoc tab and the ao3 tab, and i felt slightly closer to what resembled happiness. my maths teacher traumatised me and i won't get into that on this open post, and i was in a dark place throughout the easter holiday (and the migraines were incessant!) but hot sauce era was a pick me up. i think i only felt happy when my exams were over (despite the anxiety about results day) and i hung out with my friends and blasted hot sauce and closed all the tabs and cleared my search history which was just stuff to do with studying, and i deleted google meets and zoom and google classroom and the sources of my depression, and then i became more active on twitter and made irreplaceable friends...
now for results day, i couldn't go to collect my results in person because i moved out of london like two weeks after my exams were done, so my results were getting posted to me instead and i was terrified. the week before results day, i went inactive on twitter and i did zero writing and just played genshin impact all day to distract myself from my anxiety. i had these fears that i jumped the gun by paying the deposit for my accommodation and signing a contract before even seeing if i met the requirements and there was just too much to think about. i got up two hours earlier than the opening of the portal to see whether i'd had my offer confirmed or not and at 8:30, the portal crashed and i started shaking. i had my phone in jittery fingers and FINALLY it let me log in, and i flipped out and messed up my login three times, and once i logged in it crashed and i saw an error message telling me to call UCAS and that i can now add my clearing options. at this point i started panicking because i thought i'd failed to get in (you can only move on for clearing if you have no offers, had your offers rejected, or if you decide to turn down your offer). i called my mum and then started to log in again, and omg it worked this time with no error message but a "congratulations!" instead! i was still on the phone with my mum as i started murmuring "i got in oh my gosh i got in i got in i got in" and then i burst into tears, tears that have accumulated over the two years i spent and toiled in sixth form, the tears from the trauma (that i won't be talking about here) and just... relief. i actually had to go and check again that i wasn't dreaming (i was running on lack of sleep so shortly after the joy, i had a migraine and went to bed early after sharing the news on twitter).
i'm so so happy, and i'm grateful to the people and things that kept me afloat throughout the tumultous turbulent two year ride that was med school applications
twitter identity crisis?!
Jul. 31st, 2021 05:00 pmsometimes i sit and stare at my profile wondering if it's really me... not to be dramatic but what i've presented myself to me at one given point in life can change right? this happened to me with my ao3 account back in my ao3 user miltokki days before i rebranded to ellysia - the name i identify with online.
i made my ao3 account in june 2020 with [redacted] username until i decided i was going to start writing in jan 2021 so i changed my username to miltokki, and created a twitter account with the same name. if anyone was wondering, miltokki is a tbznct related name where "mil" is hyunjae's nickname for his milky complexion and "tokki" which means bunny in hangul and i related it to jaemin. back then, my plan was to write for tbz ficdom, and only participate in nctficdom as a reader. i started writing a tbz wip and i didn't feel it. at all. so i impulsively started writing this nomin/markmin series under the pseud bluejaems (quite self-explanatory). by the time hot sauce wrapped up, i'd lost quite a bit of interest in tbz (in everyone else in my stan list (it's the unhinged nanadoongism, and dreamzenism)) and i realised i didn't see myself writing for them in a long while (if ever at all) so i changed my ao3 username
the thing now is that i don't know whether to change my twitter handle as well, and even my dreamwidth user. i actually took a leap (that stressed me out) and unfollowed tbz official accounts, in fact i unfollowed all official accounts, leaving only nctdream_smtown but you know what? it's just a button and if i ever want to follow them back, i can very easily. i haven't unstanned, i just know what i want to be seeing on my tl right now...
aaand i've digressed again but i think you get the gist of it, i don't know whether to remain as your beloved user miltokki anymore, changing my dw means changing my pinned AGAIN, and i'd also need to come up with a new twitter user, and my main issue!
everyone already recognises me as miltokki, would changing it be weird?
i made my ao3 account in june 2020 with [redacted] username until i decided i was going to start writing in jan 2021 so i changed my username to miltokki, and created a twitter account with the same name. if anyone was wondering, miltokki is a tbznct related name where "mil" is hyunjae's nickname for his milky complexion and "tokki" which means bunny in hangul and i related it to jaemin. back then, my plan was to write for tbz ficdom, and only participate in nctficdom as a reader. i started writing a tbz wip and i didn't feel it. at all. so i impulsively started writing this nomin/markmin series under the pseud bluejaems (quite self-explanatory). by the time hot sauce wrapped up, i'd lost quite a bit of interest in tbz (in everyone else in my stan list (it's the unhinged nanadoongism, and dreamzenism)) and i realised i didn't see myself writing for them in a long while (if ever at all) so i changed my ao3 username
the thing now is that i don't know whether to change my twitter handle as well, and even my dreamwidth user. i actually took a leap (that stressed me out) and unfollowed tbz official accounts, in fact i unfollowed all official accounts, leaving only nctdream_smtown but you know what? it's just a button and if i ever want to follow them back, i can very easily. i haven't unstanned, i just know what i want to be seeing on my tl right now...
aaand i've digressed again but i think you get the gist of it, i don't know whether to remain as your beloved user miltokki anymore, changing my dw means changing my pinned AGAIN, and i'd also need to come up with a new twitter user, and my main issue!
everyone already recognises me as miltokki, would changing it be weird?
